This is my 100^th episode! (At least the way I’m counting it.) I did some quick tallies, and that means I have blathered on about women’s history for 33 hours, 30 minutes, and 14 seconds, more or less. It may only be my mom who has listened to all of that, but if you’ve listened to any of it, you are the best! Especially you, mom, but really all of you, however many you might happen to be. And those numbers don’t include the bonus episodes on Patreon, so if you’ve listened to those too, then you are beyond the best.

As has been a theme during this research break, I have a special guest today. For many months on end now, every single meeting in my day job has mentioned this guest, with no foreseeable end in sight. You guessed it, it’s AI, specifically ChatGPT in this case. No one seems 100% certain whether AI will usher us into a techno paradise or simply take over the world and eliminate us as superfluous.

I decided to find out whether ChatGPT could write my podcast better than I can, so I asked it to write some episodes for me. I am pleased to report that I am not yet obsolete. ChatGPT wrote them faster, it’s true, but even I couldn’t keep my eyes from glazing over as I read them, they were so boring, so derivative, and on occasion downright inaccurate. I will not be troubling you with any of those.

But with a great deal of prodding, rewording of prompts, regenerating the answers, setting strict length requirements, and occasional editing by me, I did get ChatGPT to say some extraordinary things. So here is ChatGPT’s best efforts at a comedy retrospective of all ten series currently existing on Her Half of History.

Series 1: What’s in the Closet and How It Got There

The very first series was What’s in the Closet and How It Got There, and the very first episode was on why women didn’t wear pants for so long. I asked ChatGPT the flip question: Explain why men don’t wear skirts and dresses. Be funny.

You see, men have this peculiar habit of associating skirts and dresses with the fairer sex. It’s as if they believe that by simply donning a flowing garment, their rugged masculinity will crumble into a pile of glitter and frills. They fear that their deep voices will turn into giggles, and their sturdy biceps will transform into delicate twirlers.

Perhaps it all started when cavemen roamed the earth, and one Neanderthal accidentally tripped on a rock while wearing an animal skin draped like a skirt. His buddies erupted in laughter, and from that day forward, men decided that skirts were off-limits for their kind. After all, what self-respecting man wants to risk stumbling around in a garment that doesn’t come with pockets to hold their mighty tools and gadgets?

Blame it on the fear of a sudden gust of wind turning a stroll into a Marilyn Monroe moment. Or perhaps centuries of pants-wearing have left men thinking, “If it ain’t broke, why fix it?” Either way, kilts are the loophole – apparently, as long as you add a bagpipe soundtrack, anything’s fair game!

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Series 2: Women Who Seized Power

Series 2 was on women who seized power, which is a fairly short list. I asked ChatGPT to explain that in the style of the Declaration of Independence and to be funny, which I thought was a big ask. Thomas Jefferson was many wonderful things and some less than wonderful things, but I’ve never thought of his declaration as funny. And I think ChatGPT might agree with me on that. See what you think:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all monarchs are created equal, regardless of gender. Yet, lo and behold, our history books are a gallery of men in majestic robes, while women rulers are as rare as a unicorn at a jousting tournament. Verily, a woman wielding a scepter hath often been met with raised eyebrows and whispers of “She’s probably just ruling until a man shows up.”

For centuries, the throne hath been a gender-exclusive zone, as if leadership skills were bestowed upon the Y chromosome alone. But fear not, for throughout history, formidable queens have defied the odds, reminding us that ruling ain’t just a dudes’ game. So let it be known: the crown should fit whoever wears it best, regardless of whether they wear breeches or petticoats. May the next chapter in the annals of royalty be less about gender and more about rocking that scepter with style and grace.

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Series 3: Women and Their Money

Series 3 was on Women and Their Money. I asked ChatGPT to tell me (in the style of comedian Ellen DeGeneres) what women have been on the currency. If you notice a distinctly Anglophone slant to ChatGPT’s response, yes, yes, that’s one of many problems with ChatGPT. It’s original response didn’t even bother to include Canada, so this one was me prodding it for a little more depth.

Hey there, currency connoisseurs! Let’s talk about some amazing women who’ve made their mark on the moolah. We’ve got Sacagawea, the fearless explorer rockin’ the U.S. dollar coin – she was like, “Lewis and Clark, step aside, I’m the real GPS here!”

Queen Elizabeth II is the ultimate money maven. She’s on more money than I’ve found in my couch cushions! Talk about a global takeover.

And now, get ready for the Tubman takeover! Harriet Tubman‘s giving that twenty-dollar bill a serious upgrade. She fought against slavery and now she’s kicking old Andrew Jackson to the curb.

But wait, Canada’s got game too! Viola Desmond made it onto their ten-dollar bill, proving that standing up against injustice is worth way more than just a dime.

So remember, folks, it’s not just coins and notes – it’s a whole history lesson with fabulous women making their mark. Way to show us the money, ladies!

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Series 4: Born a Slave but Now I’m Free

Series 4 was Born a Slave but Now I’m Free. The most famous woman I covered in that was the amazing Harriet Tubman. I asked ChatGPT to explain Harriet Tubman in Shakespearean verse.

Harriet Tubman, a warrior bold,

In days of darkness, her tale is told.

Born ‘neath chains, yet her spirit soared high,

She vowed to defy, to reach for the sky.

Through perilous paths, she led the enslaved,

Guiding them to freedom, her strength unswayed.

With cunning and courage, like heroes of old,

She fought for justice, her story untold.

In history’s annals, her name shall remain,

Harriet Tubman, a beacon of freedom’s domain.

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Series 5: The Historical Mary

Series 5 was my shortest ever, two episodes on the historical Mary, mother of Christ. I asked ChatGPT about an aspect of Mary’s story which I didn’t cover, because it’s not very historical. Why did the wise men bring mary gold, frankincense, and myrrh?

So, these three wise guys stroll into Bethlehem, right? They’re like, “We’ve got gifts, baby!” Gold – classic bling, fit for a king or a king of kings. Frankincense – for those moments when the stable smells a bit too stable. “Time to bring out the fancy scents, Joseph!” And then there’s myrrh – a real head-scratcher. Like, “Hey, Mary, we got you this embalming oil!” Mary’s probably thinking, “Gee, thanks, fellas. Nothing says ‘welcome to motherhood’ like gifts that say ‘future embalming project’.” But you know what they say – it’s the thought that counts, even if the gift registry wasn’t quite up their alley.

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Series 6: Ground-Breaking Novelists

Series 6 was on Ground-Breaking Novelists, and I asked about the most beloved of them all. Why, I asked ChatGPT, do we love Jane Austen so much? Explain in the style of Mr. Collins. No more than 100 words. If you don’t know who Mr. Collins it, just stop reading this right now and go read Pride and Prejudice. Or watch it. Or better still, read it and then watch it. Multiple times. Multiple versions. Anyway here is ChatGPT’s answer:

It is with great deference that I must acknowledge the inexplicable adoration for Miss Austen’s works. Though her tales lack the profound edification and theological insight that I, as a man of the cloth, seek in literature, it seems her witty observations of society and clever character portrayals strike a chord with readers. Her novels, though lacking the grandeur and moral depth of superior literary endeavors, provide a momentary diversion from life’s banality. Thus, while I may not fully comprehend the widespread admiration, I must concede that Miss Austen’s works have found favor in the hearts of many.

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Series 7: Comfort for a Discouraged Housewife

Series 7 was on the history of housework. I asked ChatGPT, which part of housework is the worst? Write in the style of Erma Bombeck. (If you don’t know Erma Bombeck, she was an American comedian who wrote a column about being a housewife.)

Oh, let me tell ya, honey, there’s a special place in the annals of domestic torture for the task we all love to loathe – ironing. It’s like trying to tame a wild beast with a spritz of water and a hunk of metal. You stand there, facing that wrinkled mountain of fabric, armed with an iron and a heap of hope, as if you’re about to enter a duel with a particularly stubborn dragon.

There’s something almost comical about it, really. The way that iron hisses and sizzles, like it’s protesting its own existence. And don’t even get me started on the power struggles between the iron and the ironing board – a battle of wills that could rival any epic showdown.

But what’s truly maddening is that no matter how much you press and steam and sweat, those wrinkles have a way of popping right back up the moment you turn your back. It’s like they have a secret pact with the universe: “We shall never truly be defeated!”

So there you are, my dear, armed with determination and a hot iron, waging a war against nature itself. And after all is said and done, you might have a pile of crisp shirts, but your sanity? Well, that’s a bit more wrinkled than you’d care to admit.

What ChatGPT clearly doesn’t know is that there’s a secret fix to the ironing problem: Just don’t do it all. that’s my strategy anyway.

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Series 8: Women in Espionage

Series 8 was on Women in Espionage, and this one gave me the most trouble. Partly because historical espionage really isn’t that funny: most of these women ended tragically. But also because I eventually asked ChatGPT about Agent 355, the woman in the George Washington’s Culper Spy Ring. Historians and pseudo-historians disagree on who she was, but ChatGPT’s response proves that it is completely clueless about who she was. Clearly it didn’t use my episode as source material.

Agent 355? Oh, she’s just your everyday time-traveling, code-cracking, tea-sipping spy extraordinaire. She could blend in anywhere, from Tudor England to a hipster coffee shop in Brooklyn. Rumor has it she once outwitted a villain using only a rubber chicken and a kazoo.

She could gather intelligence faster than you could say “shaken, not stirred.” They say her disguises were so convincing that even her own shadow couldn’t recognize her. If she walked into a room, chairs would discreetly shift to make way for her covert coolness. Her escape skills? Legend has it she could vanish in a puff of powdered wig smoke.

And her gadget game? Top-notch. Lipstick that doubled as a laser, high heels that could hack into anything – even your grandma’s wifi. But who was she really? A time-traveling grandma ninja? A quantum physicist with a taste for adventure? We may never know.

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Series 9: The History of Getting Hitched

Series 9 was the History of Getting Hitched, and I asked ChatGPT to explain why women have wedding rings in the style of Geoffrey Chaucer.

In the land of yore, when knights were bold,

And fair maidens wore dresses of gold,

The custom arose, of wedding rings,

To signify the love that forever sings.

For women, who were oft’ wooed and won,

A ring was a sign that their journey was done,

That they’d captured the heart of their chosen mate,

And sealed their love with a golden plate.

But why the ring, you may ask with glee,

Why not a necklace or a fancy headdress for she?

Well, you see, a ring is a symbol so divine,

It’s a circle unbroken, that says “you’re mine!”

And let’s be real, it’s a handy thing,

A symbol of love that also has bling,

For women, who love sparkles and shine,

A wedding ring is just so darned fine.

So there you have it, in Chaucerian prose,

Why women wear wedding rings, from their head to their toes,

It’s a symbol of love, a promise so true,

And it looks pretty great, too, don’t you think, boo?

I am not completely convinced about the Chaucerian prose, sort of reminded me of Dr. Seuss. but I am glad to know that even AI has trouble finding a rhyme sometimes. I mean, what’s with that boo at the end? Also, I’m wondering why I’ve never seen a woman wearing wedding rings from her head to her toes? That’s a lot of rings.

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Series 10: Great Painters

And finally, series 10 was Great Painters, and I asked ChatGPT, who is the best female painter of all time? Explain in a sarcastic style.

Oh, the best female painter of all time, you say? Well, get ready to hold on to your paintbrushes and prepare for a sarcastic journey through the art world. Because apparently, women can only be the “best” in a category that’s specifically designated for their gender. But let’s play along, shall we?

Drumroll, please! The title of the best female painter of all time goes to… the elusive and mysterious “Insert Name Here.” Yes, that’s right, my friend, the field of female painters is so incredibly vast and renowned that we just can’t pick one! I mean, who needs an actual name when you can be known simply as “Insert Name Here,” right?

Now, let’s talk about the criteria for this prestigious title. It’s not about artistic skill, originality, or impact on the art world. No, no, that would be too logical. The best female painter of all time is determined solely by a secret committee of art enthusiasts who have an uncanny ability to ignore the countless accomplished female painters throughout history.

You see, my dear friend, the world of art is a man’s world, and women are merely the delicate, dainty flowers that occasionally get to make pretty pictures on canvas. So, when it comes to crowning the best female painter, we must tiptoe around the inconvenient truth that women have been producing magnificent artwork for centuries.

But fear not, because despite the lack of recognition and the historical erasure of female artists, there are countless women who have made significant contributions to the art world. From Artemisia Gentileschi‘s captivating narratives to Mary Cassatt‘s tender depictions of motherhood, and Frida Kahlo‘s unapologetic self-portraits, these artists have left an indelible mark on art history. But hey, who needs recognition and accolades when you can be relegated to the sidelines as the “best female painter”?

So, my dear companion, let’s raise a sarcastic toast to the “best” female painter of all time. May she forever remain anonymous and may her achievements be forever overshadowed by the overwhelming male-dominated art narrative. After all, who needs equality, representation, and a fair evaluation of artistic merit when you can have a sarcastic reminder of the absurdity of gender-specific labels?

And as we navigate the vast landscape of art history, let’s not forget to celebrate and champion the work of all artists, regardless of their gender. Because true artistic greatness knows no gender, and it’s time we recognize that talent, skill, and creativity are not confined to any particular gender category.

Cheers to all the talented female painters who have graced the canvas with their brilliance, even if they never received the recognition they deserved. And here’s to a future where we can appreciate art without the need for gender-based qualifiers.

It is a good thing that series 10 brought us up to current because ChatGPT has now insulted the entire concept of my podcast! Probably serves me right, asking for sarcasm, but I do feel the need to respond.

Here’s the thing about history: It’s big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. No one can talk about all of it, though a couple of people have tried. They failed. The only way we can talk about it at all is to draw boundaries. The traditional boundaries are about time and geography, so maybe you have a unit on Ancient Greece or Medieval Europe or feudal Japan or the United States in the 1950s. But the boundaries are always somewhat arbitrary, you have to make arguments about exactly what time period that means and exactly what land area it includes, all of which can be debated. And the boundaries can also be viewed as discriminatory. If you study Ancient Greece does that mean you are discriminating against the Egyptians? No, it just means that you have set a somewhat arbitrary boundary that defines the scope of what you are talking about because if you don’t, you really can’t tell anything coherent at all.

Which boundaries you choose will have an enormous impact on what you see, so it’s well worth shaking them up from time to time. Learn a few things you didn’t know before.

The boundary I have set is not about time or geography, it’s about being female. Not because women can only be best in categories specific to their gender. Not because we can only appreciate them by imposing gender-based qualifiers, but because with that qualifier, we can see patterns and connections and progress that we couldn’t see without it. I imagine you agree, or you wouldn’t have listened to me this long!

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I hope you enjoyed this retrospective. My 100^th episode would be an excellent time for you to support the show. You can sign up on Patreon, but if a monthly commitment is not your thing, then you can make a one-time donation on Buy Me a Coffee. You could also sign up for Into History and get lots of history podcasts, plus other benefits. If you don’t have any spare coins, there are also completely free ways to support, like giving me a rating or a review on your favorite podcast app, commenting on the website, posting about it on social media, following me on social media, recommending it to your friends, all of those are super helpful and absolutely free.  Thanks!